Wow.
Mom, I know that you have been here all along, but wow. Tonight Sara scared us. Well, she didn’t really scare us, she scared herself. She drove Doug The Bug into our truck. She was trying to pull it into the shop, and well, she wrecked it. She was very shaken, and so was Justin. They are both alright physically, but she learned things tonight Mom. And through her collision, she gained some insight that she will clearly need in the future.
But it scared her. It scared both of them. It scared Scott and me. (Ish) And it jarred me Mom.
My babies are growing. All of them. And me too. It’s scary. And it hurts. And there are so many moments when I really, really wish that you and I could talk. Because I still don’t know what I am doing. And I am so scared to mess up. I worry that I didn’t pay attention close enough. And I wonder what your advice would be. And it hurts. I want to share these moments with you. I want your insight. I need you. I miss you so much. I miss sharing these moments with you.
I know that you are here, but you know that you really aren’t. And everyday it’s hard in a new and different way. And every day I have to figure out how to do this. How to be Me. How to be a Mom. Without you. Without you as a sounding board. Without your gentle, kind wisdom. It’s so hard. And it hurts so much. And I am not sure what the hell I am doing Mom.
Ever.
Everyday I wish you were here. Everyday.
I wasn’t ready.
Damn near two years on and I am still not ready to be without you. But I am without you.
We all are.
And I hate it. Every second.
I miss you so much. Damnit. So much.
